Thursday, April 8, 2010
How much love?
Wow! I have to admit that I really have no clue what to say here. Some of you that read this will have met me already and some won't have. I suspect that a few of you will have gotten to know me from a mutual friend and that is great too. There is always more room for friends in my life and my heart is like a balloon. The only difference is that I am fairly certain that it will not pop!
I have not always felt that I was a caring person. The journey to the person I am today was not easy but I got here and I am a better person for it. I have changed so much in the past 16 years that I didn't see the changes that were happening right in front of me. It wasn't until last year that I really realized how different I really was from others. I have spent little time in my life thinking about who I care about, how I care or even why I care. I have only spent time thinking "does that person need something"? And "can I fulfil their need". Those people who wish that they were a little more caring look at people like me and wish that they could be more like me. Don't get me wrong, this is a great way to live your life. But there are still down falls just like there are in every type of life you chose to live, and I say CHOOSE because it really is a choice. For me the biggest down fall would have to be the hurts that come with loving someone. Not everyone wants your love, not everyone understands your love, and not everyone accepts your love. When you love big you set yourself up to hurt big! There have been times in my life where I have cried myself to sleep because I was hurting for a friend or a loved one. I have woken up with red and swollen eyes because someone I loved was hurting or making bad choices and there was nothing I could do for them other then to keep loving them. Sometimes I feel like people don't understand me or think that I am not for real. That can hurt too because I know no other way to be. I do know that there was a time in my life that I wondered if I was even capable of loving someone. My life as a child and teen was so messed up that I thought that my capacity to love was void. I had a husband that I thought I loved and 2 great kids who I wondered if I really loved. Some days I would think that if they were taken away from me I wasn't sure if it would hurt me. I wanted so badly to feel the love that I was meant to feel. The love that I was meant to share. How could I find this love? How could I feel this love? I am a praying woman and that is what I did to find this feeling that I thought should be inside of me. I prayed that God would show me how to love my kids more then I had ever been loved. To love my husband so much that he would never need to seek that love from anyone else. As I talked to God I soon realized that the only way that I was going to be able to love these people in my life was for me to first love myself. Me, the one who was abused, worthless, useless, and unworthy of love. I had to first love the one person who I thought was unlovable before I could love the ones who I thought needed it the most. Let me introduce you to me! I am short and round. I have a very out going personality (not in a good way sometimes) and I am very stubborn. I am the one person that I would probably not get along with if I met myself at an event. Where to start then? Well first I had to find one thing that I really liked about myself and concentrate on that. Have you ever heard that the eyes are the window to your soul? Well in this case they were. I worked on finding out who I was and what my needs were and before I knew it, I liked myself! Once I realized how it felt to like myself I realized that I loved my family and just how real love really felt. It was a gift from God, and it is the gift that keeps on giving. You see the more you love the more you are loved! It is a never ending circle. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog feel free to drop in from time to time. If you do I will make an effort to update more often. Oh and nothing like a party to get the conversation started so go ahead and join the blog party, 5 min for mom's meet you there!